I was reminded of this upon my move last year.
I moved from a smaller city on Lake Michigan, where I had lived for three years. I loved it there, the smaller size, being right by the water, I knew where all the stores were that I needed, I had friends, it felt like home. But the truth was, that smaller city wasn’t my home anymore.
My home was with my husband in a larger city. A city that was double the size of the other city, that felt uncomfortable, too big, and a bit scary if I’m honest. My heart ached for the smaller city and what I had left behind there but my life was in this larger city.
While my heart loved how I got to be with my husband, it still ached for the home I left behind. Wishing we could live in the smaller city together, but that just wasn’t possible with work and finances.
I spent quite a bit of time complaining about the new city, complaining that it’s too big, too busy, too loud. I spent a lot of time reminiscing about the other city, the memories that my husband and I made there, the familiarity of it, forgetting all about the not so great parts of my time there. So much so that I started to drown out the beauty of living in this larger city. The beauty of being with my husband all the time rather than when we were dating and engaged and had to drive an hour to see each other. The beauty of having a nice neighborhood to walk our dog. The beauty of having so many stores to explore, of having multiple bookstores in town.
Recovery is very similar.
For many of us, recovery means entering into a larger body. This body can feel too big, unfamiliar, a bit scary. And we may try to keep one foot in our old life while one foot in our new life but we find out quickly that we can’t- we can’t keep one foot in the eating disorder and one foot in recovery. We reminisce on that smaller body and think of all the “good” times while simultaneously forgetting all of the horrible times of the eating disorder.
I’m now in a body that eating disorder me would have thought was the end of the world, at a weight that was well beyond what I was comfortable with at the time, in clothing sizes that just the thought of made me cry in the past. But I love my body now. For myself, my recovered body brought me and continues to bring me clarity of thinking, a regular period, freedom from the eating disorder, less anxiety and depression, strength, energy, and so much more. Things that I hadn’t had while in my eating disorder body.
What if we took some time and committed to feeling a bit uncomfortable in this new body, but explored what goodness this new body has brought us that our old body never could?
With love,
Megan
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Pslam 139:14

Megan Lavin is a woman of God, Founder and Executive Director of Live RecoverED (formerly RecoverED Athletes), a physical therapist and a recent PSU graduate student (M.Ed. Health Education & Promotion concentration in Eating Disorders). She is recovered from anorexia, orthorexia, depression, OCD, and social anxiety. Megan is deeply passionate about her work at Live RecoverED, having felt the pain and darkness of struggling with an eating disorder. When not working, Megan loves spending time outdoors with her husband, Jacob.
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