This writing is about my struggle with PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder but I think that this can encapsulate the struggle with so many mental illnesses- eating disorders, depression, OCD, anxiety.
TW: Mention of suicidal ideation
Every month, I fall into this pit. It’s dark and cold, unwelcoming. I’m the only one down here. I’ve been here before and I hate it here.
There’s no ladder to the top, to the speck of light. I must build this with the tools I have. Sometimes the tools break and don’t work. Other times I start building the ladder and the rungs break. I cry uncontrollably in this pit, I have to cancel plans because I can’t get out, I experience intense anxiety and fear, and paralyzing fatigue.
All I want to do is just give up, to lay on the dark, cold floor of this pit. It’s exhausting to rebuild this ladder every month. When it’s rebuilt to a sturdy point and I start climbing, an outside force causes me to lose my grip and I slide back down.
It’s no wonder I want to stay down there. My attempts to climb out fail, time and time again. My family is reaching down for me from the top, but they can’t save me. They can offer words of support but only I can get myself out.
Well, that’s not fully true. There’s someone else that can help me, that’s God. He’s there in the trenches in the pit with me. Encouraging me not to give up, not to give in.
He brings this verse to mind: “I will not die but life, and I will proclaim what the Lord has done” Psalm 118:17. I cling to that truth, repeating it over and over to myself while being bombarded by thoughts to end things.
I must fight through the thoughts that I know aren’t true but feel so true at the time, “I always mess up.” “What’s the point in living?” “I don’t make a difference.” “There’s no hope.”
I listen on repeat to “Not Today” by Hillsong.
"Whenever I say your name Jesus
Let the devil know not today
Not now not ever again"
So often we talk about mental illness outside of the spiritual world. I’m not saying that every mental battle is caused by the spiritual- but I believe that a strong component of mine is.
God doesn’t want me to end my life, the enemy does. God doesn’t want me to think that there’s no hope, that I always mess everything up, the enemy does.
Spiritual warfare is real, “your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8. I say this gently, but if we are Christians and don’t believe that spiritual warfare is real, we must read our Bibles more fully.
If spiritual warfare isn’t real, how can I rebuke the suicidal thoughts, the darkness I’m experiencing and it dissipates immediately? I speak over myself, “In Jesus name, Satan your lies are not welcome here. I will not die but live and I will proclaim what the Lord has done.” And instantly I’m back to myself again, outside of that pit. I didn’t have to climb the ladder, just rebuke the enemy.
There’s definitely a biological and emotional component to my PMDD, I’m not denying that. The shifting hormones, increased sensitivity to hormone changes, nervous system dysregulation but I 100% believe the enemy utilizes those biological factors and amplifies them with his lies and deception and specifically uses suicidal thoughts as his tactic.
I still 100% believe in therapy and see a Christian therapist monthly for my PMDD, continue to take my antidepressant, and work on lifestyle changes (increased time outside/sunlight, rest, joyful movement, Christian meditation, reading for fun, decreasing stress etc). But I believe there is a strong spiritual component to my battle.
You may ask, if this is a spiritual battle, why doesn’t God just free me from it permanently. Great question, I ask myself that a lot and have asked God that so many times. I don’t know why God hasn’t freed me from this struggle. And even if He never does, He is still good.
But for now, until freedom from PMDD or Jesus returns, not today Satan, not today.
With love,
Megan
"I will not die but live, and I will proclaim what the Lord has done."
Psalm 118:17
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