This post was originally written as my speech for our 2nd Annual Eating Disorder Awareness Walk, I hope you enjoy!
Have you ever walked in darkness? Not just physically walking through the dark but walking through emotional or spiritual darkness?
It’s something many of us don’t share, we let walking through emotional and spiritual darkness remain in the depths of our heart, pushed down for no one to know, trying to forget about it ourselves.
This is especially true for those struggling with eating disorders, with 73% of those struggling not seeking out help. That’s 21 million people in our country struggling without support. Walking in the darkness of an eating disorder.
For me, this darkness looked like intense hatred towards my body, racing thoughts about calories and my weight, distress around food, and disgust with the person that I was. That darkness also looked like struggles with depression, OCD, fears of death/dying, and intense anxiety.
To help combat the darkness I was experiencing, by the time I was 22, I had gone through over 500 hours of individual therapy, group therapy, and dietitian appointments. Worked on self compassion, challenging food rules, accepting body changes, separating my worth from my appearance and running. But I was still so stagnant in my recovery journey, continuing to walk through the darkness.
Until I found The Light.
During that period of my life, not only was I walking through the darkness of the eating disorder, self hatred, and depression but I was also walking through spiritual darkness.
Although I attended church growing up, was baptized as a baby and confirmed in high school, I wasn’t actually a Christian, a follower of Christ. I knew about God but didn’t know Him personally. Faith was one small piece of my life, not the foundation.
In high school and early college I went through the motions, went to church not because I wanted to but because I felt compelled to and feared I’d go to hell if I didn’t go. I was walking in darkness- a life without Christ.
Then I started experiencing questions and intense doubts.
“What do I actually believe?”
“Does God exist?”
“Can the Bible be trusted?”
“When I die will I cease to exist or is heaven real?”
“What’s the proof of the existence of God and Jesus?”
“Am I just a random happening of the universe?”
Now I wasn’t just experiencing emotional turmoil from mental health challenges but also an existential crisis.
Isaiah 9:2 says,"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned."
This light dawned on me. I got connected with a Christian organization on my college campus and I learned that following Jesus is about a relationship with Him, not compulsion to follow specific rules and regulations. I learned not to feel ashamed of my questions and doubts and bring them to God instead and search for answers. Even if my prayers sounded like, “God, I don’t know if you’re real but if you are, please reveal yourself to me. Please help me.” Many of my prayers sounded like that.
After years of searching, questioning, and diving into the evidence, I came to the conclusion that the Bible is true, God is the Creator, and Jesus died on the cross for me. With that knowledge I surrendered my life to Him, declaring Jesus Lord and Savior of my life. Now truly a Christian, filled with the Holy Spirit, a personal relationship with the Creator of the world, and assurance of my salvation and future in heaven.
Diving into that spiritual darkness and not letting it fester under the surface, to be forgotten about was a key piece in my healing. I had all of the tools for my mental health recovery- therapy, support groups, a meal plan, recovery books, homework assignments; yet my recovery journey was stagnant. Once I surrendered my life to Christ and experienced His light, light began to creep into my recovery journey.
I clung to the truths that God says about me, that I am wonderfully made, created on purpose for a purpose, loved, chosen, never forgotten. Slowly the darkness of self hate, the eating disorder, depression, and constant anxiety were extinguished in the presence of God’s light. Instead of trying to haphazardly jam all the pieces of recovery together as quickly as possible, God gently put them together for me in a way that I couldn’t on my own. Today I'm here fully recovered from anorexia, orthorexia, social anxiety, and OCD and I owe this freedom to Christ.
If you are currently walking through emotional or spiritual darkness, my heart goes out to you. Please don’t feel like you need to carry that heavy burden alone. We’re not meant to walk this life alone. Help is out there and as John 1:5 says, “The light (Jesus) shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
With love,
Megan
Megan Lavin is a woman of God, Founder and Executive Director of Live RecoverED (formerly RecoverED Athletes), a physical therapist and a recent PSU graduate student (M.Ed. Health Education & Promotion concentration in Eating Disorders). She is recovered from anorexia, orthorexia, depression, OCD, and social anxiety. Megan is deeply passionate about her work at Live RecoverED, having felt the pain and darkness of struggling with an eating disorder. When not working, Megan loves spending time outdoors with her husband, Jacob.
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